The other day I went to McDonald’s with my family and the guy who took my order was really loud and was basically like “HAPPY HOLIDAYS WHAT CAN I GET YOU” and I was like wow I can’t let this guy outmatch me so I yelled “I’LL TAKE A HAPPY MEAL WITH THE NUG NUGS IF I MAY” you know, like a natural well-adjusted epitome of adulthood 19 year old and he was like “CERTAINLY WOULD YOU LIKE THE MIGHTY KIDS MEAL INSTEAD WITH EXTRA FRIES” and I was so sleep deprived I essentially blacked out and apparently leaned over the counter like I was robbing the place, raised my eyebrow like a suave robin hood and said “HECK YES I WOULD GOOD SIR” and then I sat down and he yelled from across the store “WOULD YOU LIKE THE PURPLE OR BLUE SPIDER-MAN” and since purple is the more superior color that’s how I answered and long story short my parents think college changed me and that I’m now the poster child for being social and I’ve only been asked once why I’m not in a relationship yet but I know it’s gonna be brought up again and how do i tell my parents it’s because whenever I eat in the dining hall I spend the entire time playing bumper cars with the wheeley chairs and all I eat is pixie sticks and the last time I was in the library (where I’m supposed to work next semester, deAr GoD) I ripped my leggings in the bathroom pulling up my pants and I walked the entire 20 mins back to my dorm with my neon underwear peeking out from the holes like a 17th century harlot with a cocaine addiction and I’ve essentially been living off jars of peanut butter and the soundtrack to the bee movie for the past year
this thing went on so many different directions I feel like I’m high
interesting observation, tati
Do u want to see what I’m currently making in my laboratory bedroom?
yes, please
Step one of making my dinner: I gather my materials everyone knows u can’t make something out of nothing so u gotta do the thing, pull up your pants, and get your starting items
Here I have lemonade made from real lemons. This is vital because fake lemons (Also known as apples and oranges) throw off the concoction and render ur potion useless. I also have cocaine (the flavored kind)
Step two: do the thing with the other thing to make the better thing my sources tell me this is how u cook
In this case I poured 7 cocaines into my starter nectar
Step three: wiggle wiggle wiggle i do the shake
It fizzes. Chemicals do the chemical thing. Bubbles happen.
Step 4: bask in ur child’s freshly born glow
I have done it, mother. I have darkened the light yellow solution with my magic and I have come out stronger
did i ever tell u guys that in fifth grade my class wrote a play bc we were studying ancient greece? it was called persephone and the (not so hot) heroes. i played demeter. basically, persephone got kidnapped by kronos and i strong armed hades into giving me 3 heroes from the underworld to get her back but they were actually terrible and i forget how she was actually saved but bottom line is that you wish you were my fifth grade class
this wasn’t little either, we used the town hall and we wore togas and shit
me as demeter
some lines (this was a joint effort of a bunch of greek-savvy 10/11 year olds):
athena: ‘im the goddess of wisdom but you don’t notice me telling everyone. i’m too smart for that’
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aphrodite: is zeus chasing some mortal woman again?
athena: no this time he and hera have gone for marriage counselling
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athena: we can ask hades to let them out of the underworld to help
aphrodite: he’ll never agree, he’s such a deadly bore (we made a fucking pun im so angry)
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demeter: hades wont pick up. he’s too busy torturing the dead in tartarus
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hades: i can’t undo the laws of death. just think of the paperwork.
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aphrodite: the humidity is messing up my hair. it’s getting all frizzy
athena: is that all you care about?
aphrodite: no, it’s also messing up my dress
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demeter: it’s so dark, and there aren’t any trees or flowers
hades: what do we need trees for, everybody’s dead
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paris: yeah, and i can shoot straight! isn’t that right, achilles?
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(hades enters)
paris: who are you? do we know you?
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achilles: im mighty achilles
odysseus: im wily odysseus
paris: and im hungry paris
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kronos: i really am awesome, aren’t i
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aeton: one wrong move and you’re history
odysseus: fool! we already are history!
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demeter: where are those mortals? i left them right there.
athena: are you sure? this isnt the first time you’ve lost someone.
I suddenly have the need for the entire screenplay, and to direct it at my college.
Not to be dramatic but John Mulaney saying “every time I walk down the street, I need everyone, all the time, to like me so much–its exhausting” is quite literally my biography and I’m shocked he knows so much about me
writing advice: never italicize words to show emphasis! if you’re writing well then the reader will know and you don’t need them!
me: oh really??? listen up, pal, you can just try an pull italics from my cold, dead fingers
“I never said she stole my money.”
VS.
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
“I never said she stole my money.”
It’s especially funny how every single one of those sentences has a completely different meaning. Besides, one shouldn’t make such generalized, idiotic statements as “never use italics,” especially not to writers. A unique style is one of the most crucial elements of writing, and use of italics is a good way to differentiate your writing from others’.
You cannot take my slanty letters away from me.
Touch my italics and I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you
